We have marked the five year anniversary of John's stroke, and he still can't take a single step on his own. He still can't speak more than three words. My son, who believes strongly in the power of healing prayer, wondered too why his recovery wasn't further along.

I was stunned by a thought that came over me. My reaction was physical, like a punch in the stomach. The air left my lungs and I couldn't suck any back in. I went to the floor in agony. Was John's recovery stagnating because of my lack of faith? I couldn't begin to get my mind around it. I couldn't lift up my arm to try to touch it. I was paralyzed with despair.

It took the whole night and part of the next day before I could begin to think about it. Are we in limbo because I don't believe God will change this? I didn't think that was why, but was it? Nothing I've done has moved us forward. Sometimes my role as caregiver has done just the opposite. I pamper him because he demands that treatment. It's too often a battle of wills where I always give in because I should. It still makes me angry most of the time, and then my guilt takes over for the anger.

Dealing with the stroke on a day-to-day basis is both physically and mentally exhausting. If I say out loud, "Day after day", or count how much time is in five years then I can't function.

"Then Jesus said to him, 'Get up! Pick up your mat and walk!'" John 5:8 NIV.

Can I do that for John? Can I pray for his will to recover then expect the answer to come? Isn't that what I've been doing all along? Am I just using the wrong words? Is my faith too weak? There is really only one way to know for sure, so I held John's hand and prayed out loud for both of us.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33 NIV.